Adult Child of BPD Cluster B Guard Your Soul

The adult child of a Borderline Personality Disordered parent(s) or like I had co-morbid BPD/NPD parents – both of them and with alcoholism as well, it is crucial that you begin and/or continue your journey to reclaim yourself, heal yourself, and not continue to look to broken emotionally immature and unavailable parents or a parent. You do not need to resolve your issues with them or due to them, from the past, with them, in the here and now. You can do it without them. I did. You can. It is often the only viable healthy path we can take.

The adult child of a borderline parent or parents also knows the pain of unresolved abandonment. He or she also knows a profound emotional suffering, often on the other side of Borderline Personality Disorder. And, often in a dualistic way, as someone with BPD him or herself, and as someone experiencing the brokenness of trying to relate to someone else with BPD. Not all adult children (who were a child) of a borderline parent develop Borderline Personality Disorder themselves. However, many do. Forgiveness is part of what it takes to actually heal.

In 4 Videos Series Bundle for Adult Children of those with BPD, as an adult child of BPD/NPD parents I talk about my experience forgiving them, letting go, moving on with my life without them. These videos were done by A.J. Mahari in 2008.

Many adult children of a parent (or parents) with Borderline Personality Disorder continue to suffer and lose self and their lives, in some cases, to the domination, abuse, of trying to cope with a borderline parent in ways that haven’t worked, aren’t working, and more than likely will not ever work.

It can be very difficult to let go. To radically accept what your borderline mother or father is like and the limitations that often creates for relating. Many continue to try to just cope because they are too enmeshed, feel too guilty if they try to just live their own lives. Others just go no contact, as I did. Coping with a parent with BPD, especially when they will not get treatment, whether you have BPD yourself or not, leaves the adult child of the borderline mother or father grappling with what to do and with a sense that there can’t ever be much needed closure.

Continuing to stay in what might be a very toxic relationship fuels codependence which is very painful and can mean that you may not be able to know yourself and live your own life in ways that would be healthy and age-appropriate for you. It can leave many depressed, anxious, even suicidal. It is important to separate yourself from the borderline parent. You can’t rescue them. You can’t live life for them. You can, however, lose your own way in your life if you are trying to do for a borderline parent what he or she needs to learn to do for him or herself.

 Audio Programs For Loved Ones of BPD © A.J. Mahari

I am an adult child of not one, but two parents, with Borderline Personality Disorder (and co-morbid Narcissistic Personality Disorder). I learned in my journey of my own recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder that forgiveness is the way forward. Loved Ones also need to find forgiveness, but, one cannot rush into forgiveness before working through issues that first must be grieved, let go of, and resolved.

That forgiveness is the pathway to emotional peace and freedom. I had worked to hard to free myself from my own experience of having Borderline Personality Disorder, I recovered in 1995, to allow myself to remain in the clutches of the emotional pain and suffering that one lives with when one is the adult child of a borderline parent – or parents. Or Borderline-Narcissistic parent or parents. Each person who loves/cares about someone with BPD needs to come to understand where the person with BPD’s journey needs to begin and where your ability to influence that stops. You really can’t influence it. You can “lead a horse to water” or a person with BPD to therapy, but you can’t make them partake in it in the serious and real way needed for change, healing, growth, and recovery.

  Audio Programs © A.J. Mahari

If you want to heal you need to do whatever you can to get the help you may need to actually get on the road to finding this forgiveness. Even in the face of unresolved issues with a borderline parent. Even in the face of a life-time of wanting a meaningful healthy connection with that parent – a connection that you haven’t been able to establish, may still yearn for, but that you need to learn to radically accept is something that you won’t be able to have. Even when there can be no closure with that parent.

It is only through the surrender to that loss that each one of us, as an adult child or a borderline parent or parent(s), can find our own recovery. Holding on or staying involved in the chaos of a borderline parent isn’t going to give you what you long for. It is only going to hurt you more. Trying to get what you’ve never been able to get, emotionally, from your borderline parent, only keeps you stuck in the pain of that most profound unresolved abandonment and loss.

Having a parent with Borderline Personality Disorder often means a legacy of codependence in your life that can mean you may well be or have been in a series of unhealthy relationships in your adulthood – all in a subconscious search for the bond that you long for from your borderline parent. Toxic relationship patterns often have their roots in the pain of your unresolved abandonment The adult child of a borderline parent, whether or not you developed BPD yourself, needs to resolve the pain of that abandonment – of the unmet needs and of the lack of a healthy and meaningful bond.

It is only by radically accepting that loss and the pain of that loss, facing it, feeling it, grieving it, and letting it go, that the adult child can truly take his or her life back and find emotional peace and freedom. It often means going no contact. Whether you need to go no contact or not it absolutely is in your best interest for your own mental health to work on healthy detachment and resolving past issues in therapy and not trying to go back to people who have never changed or sought help to try over and over again to talk to them with the hope and need they will finally understand. That is a recipe for continuing to suffer. We really can heal without them. They had so much power over us and negative, often abusive impact on us as children and we were helpless then. You are now, as the adult child of someone with BPD and/or Co-morbid BPD/NPD able to get help and support to empower yourself to shedding once and for all that child-victim you indeed were.

© A.J. Mahari, May 7, 2010 – Up-dated September 25, 2016 – All rights reserved.